There comes a time, or many times, in ones life upon which you look back and think, the last time I saw you, the last time I spoke to you, the last time I touched you, I didn’t know that it would be the last time.
This is an anecdote of my ‘last time’ moments with people whom I don’t suspect will ever understand my side of this story.
She was very dear to me, for so long, so long ago, that I don’t even remember her. But I do remember that I should remember. She was in the most true sense of the word, and odd kid, but one who was by my side every step of the way till life had completely different paths laid out for us. So completely different. When I look back I don’t remember when we said goodbye, Somewhere along the two years we turned into blurry silhouettes to walk over for each other, somewhere a midst those so many days we denied, in so many many silent ways, knowing each other, a goodbye HAPPENED. The rooster never crowed upon our deception, we lead ourselves into erasing our past, so much that I cannot even remember years spent by her side, and along the bend in our road where life took us down our own separate paths, we became tiny insignificant blotches upon each others way. I don’t suppose she means more to me than a forgotten memory whose existence I can never quite erase. There was no turning back, and never did I doubt the decision.
It was harder for me with certain other people, because they didn’t fade away easy, it took months and months of disinterested meetings, talks in which there was neither heart nor soul, I remember the last time I saw him. It wasn’t as he was staring out from the airport glass with tears in his eyes as I left the country (wouldn’t that have been a perfect goodbye!?), it was a year and a half later, at a rather distasteful bus stand. Yet another conversation lacking the purity and depth that even a sentence can convey if truly heartfelt, yet another look of I wonder when this will end, yet another thought of horror, will this ever end? And then it did. We said goodbye and walked away never imagining that we would not ever lock paths again, that it was truly over that last time, that last heartless conversation, now as I think back, words find the hollow from where nothing could be said that day. But I realize that it is of no use this late, more so I realize that they are words you will never comprehend. At the time I did not know much more than I want him out, but later as the chips begin to find their places I realized I was content with where I stood and the decision I made. It took me another year and a half before I was able to treasure the good times as something that was of the past and remains there, and not associate it with the present friend whom I do not have, but I got there, and it is a good place.
There was her, some one I am still not sure how to place because of the purity of her heart, I do care immensely for her still, but it has been over a year and a half since we last spoke and although the reasons are not ones she will ever completely grasp, I don’t suppose it could have been any other way. Or maybe it could have, but I chose this way. Some people shew the fly away, I chose to kill it. I cannot revive the dead, I do not want it back either, but she is different. Always was, always will be.
There was yet another one, one not so long ago, she was a beautiful misery. Oh I did love her dearly, so dearly and yet, there came a goodbye. It wasn’t like any of the others, I didn’t get to bid adieu and sail my boat, there were 5 torturous months together, but this wasn’t my call, it was hers, a call I could have changed, but who is to change the natural wind of the sails and drive themselves into a storm? No, not me. I was upon a calm belt, and I chose to keep riding as it were. I think of her, for I never gave her answers, never even tried, but I do not miss her. I do not miss her and I don’t suppose I ever will.
And there was the most recent, the hardest, the closest, it was very very different. It wasn’t the lack of emotion, it was the excess of the same, it was love that sucked the life force out of my life, it will not be a something that I will regret, but I will live to remind myself that every day, with much chosen effort. If my heart had a center, she was pretty darn close to it and plucking her out is like snipping at the key pipeline, hell breaks lose, everything falls into disarray, and I was unarmed, some of me is still sinking, while the remainder is trying to resurface my head and ride this one out as well.
There was him, the king pin in these heart games of mine, walking away that not so cold winter evening, beautiful date palms canopying the path, I felt like Jesus being welcomed into town on the palm Sunday, I felt royal, but my heart knew disdain, my heart knew it was breaking and that i dared not look behind, for if I did I would see him for the last time, not looking at me, I would see him walk away and my system would fail. My will to go on would be snipped at with piercing jolts, the like of which only a massive reality check can render. I knew as I walked down that beautiful winter evening, feeling so royal, that it was the last time I would have seen him. And all I will say is, I am glad I didn’t turn around.
Having done it so many more times to individuals of lesser significance in my game of life, you would think that this gets easier. But goodbyes are always painful. They are in fact so devastating that I refrain from saying it, I just let it happen. Some may say I am heartless, some may say it is self preservation, all I say is, it is life, C’est la Vie, cause everything is soooo much cooler in French! 😉