I turn 21 in exactly 2 weeks.
Over the past few months I didn’t bother much as I thought I would be in a completely new place with absolutely no one I knew and nothing to do. I thought screw 21st, maybe 25 or something (I know that isn’t really a ‘key birthday’ but who cares!)
Since I’ve returned home however, and I am in what I believe to be the best city in the world, I’ve been doing a little thinking about this whole 21st birthday deal. What’s the deal anyway? Each to his own, right?
21st are coming of age birthdays, so I thought, I thought back upon a few things, all my 20 birthdays before (the ones I can remember at least!), the things/people that mattered to me today/over the years, who I want to be and what I want with the remainder of my life.
Now I know the last 2 are not really things people think of when they think of a ‘birthday’, but I decided my 21st isn’t about a celebration for the day, I want it to be a toast to celebrating the rest of my life and everything I want. I will come of age, come of age to be everything that I want to be. And it all starts in 2 weeks.
As I mentioned in some post way back, birthday celebrations in my group of friends from undergrad college was a pretty huge deal, we had some of the hands down coolest birthday celebrations anyone has ever had! We have had terrace top insane parties, treasure hunts, karaoke birthdays, singing around a tree cause we weren’t cool enough for karaoke yet birthdays, clubbing, flaming shots, hot chick birthday cakes, Victoria Secret lingerie, theme parties, champagne, traditional huge red velvet cakes, cupcake attacks, a kidnapping! (most epic one!), a year of getyouwhatgiftyouwant’s, so so many smashed (but we later stopped that, cause we started to get really wonderful cakes!) cakes, local band + dinners, fail and successful birthday morning surprises, elegant (which we turned a little unruly with a rap and everything, but screw that!) lunches and dinners, a completely HORRIBLE day a midst all this and even a not so sober exam (so HEXYLE)!
It was all way too wonderful and perfect to romanticize (and you don’t even have to be a romantic like me when you look back at it all!), but the era of well, celebration, seems to have set upon my life. I now look at it all with the eyes of ‘what next’, and every celebration in my life will be not to think back of all that was but to look forward to all that will be. My day will be about finding new depths of who I can be, setting my own stage for tomorrow and smiling occasionally because I see a long lost name on my facebook profile wishing me happy birthday.
I realized that the past truly doesn’t matter, and tomorrow I start a new beginning with a sum total of friends and people who matter to count on the fingers on one hand. As I look back and I look forward, as I see myself today, I feel something I have never felt before. I feel lonely.
I began to wonder what is loneliness? I realized it isn’t the absence of people in your life but the moment your own company begins to seem inadequate to you, a point I never ever thought I would reach. A point I refuse to reach. Looking towards all directions I realize, people may come and people may go but I go on forever (with myself). The only constant in my life will be me, and if I lose hope in me, then there pretty much isn’t any point of living. I realized that was what kept tugging at me from all sides, shoving me to the ground, I lost faith in my own future because I began to equate the unknown with melancholy, and not with excitement as I have done so all my life, I began to wonder why no one seemed to enjoy my company when the truth was, I was the one really really not enjoying my own company.
Point being, I went a little crazy for a few months.
But it’s my 21st in 2 weeks, it is a new beginning for me tomorrow and I look forward to all of it with renewed fire. Who was my oil? Who was my lantern? Who was my match that set it alight?