Letter to S

My dearest S,

I have wanted to tell you so many things from so long, but never had the courage to. I clearly still lack the same. However, there is a voice in my heart that believes that someday you will see this. Someday, maybe today, maybe years later, but I know you will see this someday, somehow.

I hope you know that I still love you very much, and think of you ever so often. I am not sure if that means anything at all to you, but I hope it does. I know I have owed you so many overdue answers, why I walked away, what happened with us, why I didn’t so much as try to explain or hold on to the love and friendship we had for years, and here I am today to leave you an answer, and something more.

Although I knew you since the time I can remember, it wasn’t till late in highschool that I really got to know you, as a person, as a woman, as a friend. I don’t know if I ever told you but I didn’t think I could ever be friends with who I thought you were, but I guess you proved me wrong there, didn’t you? I thought for most of my life that you were like those glitzy gorgeous dresses that you see in high end stores but you would never ever dare buy cause you know it is only meant to envelope the body of a lady whose silhouette it would caress, not ridicule. Then a few years ago after a bunch of 9th floor staircase conversations I realized you were not that dress at all!

You were the dress that is attractive and makes anyone who wears it look attractive, you were not the rose tinted dream dress, you were the real deal, and the ones being sold out so fast, I don’t know how I was lucky enough to find you!

You are beautiful, inside and out, and you make everyone near you feel glorious. You have a radiant persona that is almost sinful to bask in, which makes people want to be around you all the more. They say so many of the best things happen to you when you aren’t even looking, and you were without a doubt one of those few things that happened in my life.

If there are friendships that is a mix of reason and timing, I believe we absolutely nailed that head on! We were so extensively unalike, and yet besides my sister (who gets an out cause she’s related to me by blood!) you are the only lady I know who can go to a store on a totally different day and pick out the same dress I do without ever having seen it and IN THE SAME COLOUR too! Dress, top, clutch, well, we’ve done it all haven’t we?! There was something there more than similar taste, those were light *poof* moments where I knew that this was something meant to happen to both of us, each other.

Yet there were always things that told me it had to end someday, little warning bells.

At the risk of sounding totally pretentious I will say this, I knew you, so well, I always believed that I had a sort of clairvoyance when it came to judging people (although I have not NEVER been wrong!), and I think I could understand you. However, there were sides, massive humongous chunks of me to which you had absolutely no clue where the gates were, and no interest in finding out.

I think that ought to sum up everything in a very succinct form.

There was a period of two years when you were who I called my ‘best friend’ (this was during the phase I believed a girl could have only one best friend ofcourse!) but it was such a shocker to me when I finally opened up my eyes and realized that you were one of the people closest to all the gates of who I was and yet so oblivious and misguided about it.

There was a lot of judgement, condemnation and entirely misinterpreted ideas towards who I was that I often saw brewing in your thoughts and words, and it just came to a point where I believed that these would be words wasted on you, wasted because all they would accomplish is pain you and provide no form of clarity for you, and so I walked away.

The lives we had built together was one centred around two primary things, our long distance troublesome relationship woes and later, our home away from home we found with each other. However, I realized at some point that I needed more than that from someone I truly deem one of my closest friends, I needed someone who supported me and knew me a little, well let’s be honest, a lot, more than sometimes even I do, and it didn’t seem to make sense anymore. I had found a home here, I belonged here and you never understood that. I was also no longer the girl with all the world’s boyfriend pain, I was being the rest of who I was created to be and always had been, and always would be, and I don’t think you could ever accept, or understand that.

That is my whole story for you. I know that I should have explained, and it hounded away at me all the time, but I just couldn’t bring myself to articulate to someone when I knew quite to the point of excruciating detail, what the receiving end of it would be. And so I held my tongue and I held my finger (you don’t know how many times I have tried typing and writing this letter over the past two years!) and I let the pages be torn off that calendar, hell! I let whole calendars be disposed!

So what changed? Maybe you did, maybe I did, maybe it’s nothing but our calendars, but distance always gives a slightly clearer picture, so does the constant nagging voice in my head that never left a single day in the past two years, it all got pretty darn clear altogether! I needed to let you know.

I needed to tell you that you are an absolute diamond and one of the most breathtakingly unique individuals I have come across in my life, befriending you was like finding one of those natural earth wonders and finding yourself gaping awe-struck wondering “Can this really naturally be this way?!”. I don’t know if you will ever forgive me for hurting you which I am deeply aware I did, or for being a coward or perhaps a doggone lazy prick and not telling you directly or sooner, but I always imagined that someday, in some way, we could find our friendship again, redefine it maybe, try it differently maybe, but like I said, there was too much of a *poof* for it to have not been a written in the stars thing, and you know what they (Soumya and the voices in her head) say about the star writings, those are stories with happy endings.

I hope you find this letter soon and thankyou R, for reminding me with our conversations what was once one of the biggest pieces of my heart and inspiring this letter to finally find it’s words.

Love,

S

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