Letter – 3

Dearest N,

I know things haven’t ever been easy for us, so even this letter comes from a very difficult and confused place.

It was never an easy matter to be your friend, but amidst all the aforementioned difficult situations and confused definitions, we made it work, at least we did till we did.

Is it selfish of me to ask that we have what we once had, or should I sublimate my thoughts to believe that that can never be? I have told myself that in a hundred different ways already but my mind doesn’t seem to get it. As soon as I write the words, the slate is erased. HE IS NO LONGER IN YOUR LIFE. He is no longer in your life.                                                                   .

So here I am again, with ink from a pot that never runs dry, friendship. I am writing this to you because you matter enough to drive me a little nuts some days, and to cast aside all embarrassment and shame and try, each time, just one more time, to see if I can have my friend back.

And I must admit it feels like I am yelling in a large arid dessert with nothing but my empty echoes scorching my skin. But I feel like it doesn’t matter, for somewhere beyond these sands I will find you, and my words will truly reach you.

My throat feels parched though, and my skin burnt, so help me, walk towards me without knowing I am here a little.

I know we never understood each other and you and I both had our times questioning if what we had was any sort of real friendship, but in our heart of hearts we knew that we had a bond, and that bond was important, to me it still feels important.

Correct me if I am wrong. Don’t leave me hanging, come tell me in just so many words that it wasn’t all that much of a deal and that you are no longer in my life, stop jabbing at me with your silent words, they are ripping me apart.

I am crying, but my tears won’t show because you have entered my heart and structured a numb wall, so all I have are words upon words, trying to create a force massive enough to crumble down your wall. Just so I can cry a little.

If you are gone, I want to cry a little.

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