The day I said what I believed

Unlike what this title leads you to believe, I actually am not going to speak about a particular day when transforming change besieged me because I don’t think it happened in one single day. I am here, however, to talk about a particular day, today.

A lot has been going on in the public and my private world that probes me to look into my stance on religion, something I have been avoiding for years, maybe because it has been evolving over years. Today however, I am going to choose to say what I believe, so this blog post is about today.

I’ve been brought up in a very orthodox protestant family. I know that most of you who haven’t think that it is a sort of terrible predicament to be under, but let me tell you and I am sure many can relate, I loved it!

When you are born into and raised in a religion, you are bred off of the stuff that decapitates scope for even considering that maybe, just maybe, your religion may just not be it.

My church wasn’t so bad really. Sure, we had some very traditional folk who were superglued to the old way of thought and belief but there were also modernists, who were constantly trying to incorporate more of the gospel of oneness and humanity, those who preached inclusion over seclusion, or at least claimed to.

As a child I never wondered just what if I wasn’t following the right religion, I had blind faith, obviously. Being taught a religion is more like being taught a fact if you are born into a religious household. Someday you will have 32 teeth, long before which you will have to decide to get baptized (Interesting fact, baptized at 15 and still no 32 teeth at 22).

The thing about the church I was a part of was this, they were constantly playing the rebuttal with other religions, and of course always won because there was no one to oppose them on their grounds. They had some very convincing arguments that they put forth to keep their flock from going astray. I was the flock. I didn’t go astray.

Which is why even today I cannot for a moment consider practicing any other religion. There are too many arguments, ‘logical’ arguments, embedded in my mind as to how they are false.

I suppose none of it mattered though, because neither do I call myself a Christian today.

As I was crossing over from my teens, I began to have something that was a frightful weapon in the church, lack of conviction.

As the constant cacophony of voices telling me to live a certain way and be a certain person quietened, I found the space to bring to the forefront some questions I marked away as blasphemy in my ten year old head.

The more I thought about it all, the more vast it became, the harder to understand it became, and that was when the words of an old friend came to mind, “How can there NOT be a God?”

The whole concept of this universe and everything that happens in it is so mysterious to us humans, even today. There is a point beyond which we cannot perceive things, no matter how intelligent and wise we are. The point of eternity past and eternity future.

Does that mean that there is an unknown, unexplainable force that we need to accept who can understand the unknown and unexplainable? No, my friend, it doesn’t.

I am not an unbeliever, I am not saying that there is no God, that there cannot be a God, all I am saying is there doesn’t HAVE to be one.

My sister once asked me. “Aren’t you scared? Isn’t it easier to just believe?”

To her, and to the rest of you reading this, I say that fear never kept me believing in religion and fear never will. I didn’t choose to be a Christian and believe in Abba Father because I was scared what would happen to me if I didn’t. I chose it because it made sense to me.

Today, I chose to abstain from calling myself a Christian OR an atheist OR an agnostic because I don’t feel the need to place my beliefs in a box.

Some days I think there is a God, I tell Him I am sorry I haven’t kept in touch and explain to Him how I feel. I fall on my knees and cry to Him.

Some days I think there is a higher force, and I am able to respect it deeply not chasing behind the need to understand what or who exactly it is.

Some days I believe that we are it. Us humans. Those days I try my best to be everything I think is perfect because if I am it, I need to be the best it I can be.

Every day, I have faith. I have faith in the goodness within me, I have faith in the forces that string my life together, I have faith in the people around this world, I have faith, that if there is a God, he understands me.

I am not afraid, because I have faith.

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