This uphill climb with my old pal fear in the knapsack

Faith.

Asking a person who has fallen fifty times to have faith that on the fifty first they will land on their feet is a tall order.

It’s easy to be light, love, faith and strength when the tides are smooth sailing, but with each fall, sometimes you lose a little more of your ability to believe the next time.

I have fallen so many times and spoken on end about the injustice of it all, but each time I am given an opportunity, I tend to try again, just what the hell, I think.

It is as I stand at the threshold of acceptance or rejection the next time that my mind often goes on recap mode and tries to tell me why I am the Jonah, why I need to be taken off the ship for it to sail on smoothly.

I don’t want to be a Jonah. I don’t want to be a selected one.

Sometimes the responsibility of being different is a heavy one to lug around on your back (hey, maybe this explains why I’ve been having insane back aches from the past week! *sorry bad joke). Sometimes you don’t want to be rejected a hundred times to tell your success story of the one time you will finally get it right, even if it all will connect, even if it all will make sense, even if it all will be worth it, sometimes you just want your life to be a bit more normal.

Today I wished that I get what I want, no, not in some twisted roundabout way, not in a way that I got what was best because the universe knows better, I just want what I want, plain and simple, but the fear that life will take me down yet another crazy path is just too real right now.

I do not believe in comparing journeys but today I can’t help but look at certain others whose road is so much more direct, maybe not easy, but direct, why does mine always have to be so long wound and complicated? Just sometimes, sometimes, why can’t I have it all just the way I want and not the way the universe wants?

Let your faith be greater than your fear, that’s the saying, right? I have posted it here a few times as well. Today I can’t seem to let go and have faith yet another time because the voice of reason is tearing at the scabs from my fiftieth decision going down the drain.

So I’m real, quelle surprise!

I have days where I can’t do it as well. I have days, like today, where I pray for my faith to succeed this uphill climb, but my breath is heavy and my footsteps tired.

What next?

I’ll let you know when I figure it out.

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