Letter – 6

Dear C,

I don’t know what to say to you, more so if I should say anything at all, which is why I decided to get my thoughts out, not necessarily within your reach.

If there is one thing that I learnt and the hard way at that, it is to not give up on people so easily. It’s a nice little belief to steadfastly strap into your buckle when things are fine and dandy. The real challenge arrives when a close friend of yours begins to seem like they don’t want you around.

I won’t lie, I don’t really get it, I try to fight obsessing over things I may have done wrong that you aren’t telling me despite my having asked you so many times. I try, and most days I am successful, but then I see your snapchat stories and know that you are up to life and don’t want to tell me about it, and I can’t fight the obsessing hard enough any longer.

Last night I cried in my bath, for you.

You should know that is a big deal because my warm drawn out bath with my caramel candle is my happy place. If I am caught crying in there it means that something is just seriously not right.

They say that it is easy to allow the one thing that isn’t perfect in your life ruin all the things that are, I try to not fall prey to that, but I really do not understand you and don’t know how to begin to even try.

I don’t want to give up on you, but I wonder now, what if someone wants you to give up on them, what if they don’t want you in their life anymore, is it foolhardy to think that you will stick around and wait or is it best to return their sentiments?

It all comes down to what we choose to make of it I suppose, I have always believed that for situations such as these there just is no right or wrong.

I could move on from you and tell the world the story of my strength and determination, of respecting myself, of being a no nonsense pro et all, or I could wait for you in the shadows and when the timing is right and when you think of me someday (because ‘never turning back’ does not exist in my opinion) I will be here thinking of you too,  I could then tell the world the story of my strength and longsuffering, of my love and perseverance, everyone loves a good reunion story.

What matters though is the story I would want to tell myself someday, and right now I just can’t seem to make up my mind which the better story would be.

Some people would tell me to forget what I am supposed to feel someday and go where my heart takes me, the problem is my heart is torn. It is torn between it’s desire to silently await your return and it’s base instinct to just walk out, my heart has been through more toils in this arena than you would believe, walking out seems so appealing right now.

I think, just in the flash of a second, of each grueling day that may lay ahead if I choose to wait for you, each heart wrenching cry of agony that will spring up to die in my soul, killing a little bit of me with it, each moment of obsessing, a countless moments of rethinking my decision, I think and I think and I think, so many seconds have now gone by, months have now gone by.

Why are you doing this to me?

Why am I doing this to myself?

You make me wish I wasn’t human, because then I wouldn’t have to think so much and feel so much, and that is the worst thing you could ever make me wish. I detest you for that.

I won’t give up on you but I am going to give up on waiting on you, I hope someday soon my heart will be able to tell the two apart.

Love,

S

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