Good Faith, 24th August

Reaching out.

It sounds like a simple thing, doesn’t it?

It is one of the hardest things that I have ever learnt to do in my life.

I often did not realize that I needed to reach out when I did, had I done so my life would have turned out a whole lot different.

When I was 15 had I reached out, when I was 16 or 17 had I reached out, when I was 21 or 22 had I reached out, it would have all turned out different.

When I use the term ‘reach out’ it would be easy to assume that it applies to a person who is on the threshold of life and death, but that isn’t really always true.

The line between sanity and insanity is really very thin, and we often don’t realize when we tread on the border. It doesn’t happen in a gory flash, it takes long, innumerable, seemingly insignificant, painful days. It takes weeks, months. It takes years.

You need to reach out.

If you feel alone, if you feel scared, if you feel incapable, if you feel confused, if you feel broken, if you feel sad, if you feel anxious, if you feel a shadow fallen upon your sunshine, you need to reach out.

It doesn’t matter to whom, as long as it is someone who cares about you, anyone.

I used to think that I would be a burden to those close to me and  I never spoke about a lot of things, I used to be ashamed that I would be looked down on so I never spoke about a lot of things, I used to tell myself a tale after a while.

I told myself that I was never going to have a life where I would find happiness that would last, that disdain was my shadow and he would find me no matter where I hid, that I would have to accept that I was dark and troubled and I would never lead a life where I wasn’t. This became the voice in my head, it became my reality.

I did myself and those around me more harm than I could ever have imagined, there were days it felt easier to just give up. Entirely. To just shut the drapes and lie in bed till the sun that I didn’t wish to see decided to sink itself.

Life went on, a lot happened and a lot changed, but the time I really began to realize that I had changed was the time I began to do what I call reaching out. That was when I started telling myself that there was no such thing as inner darkness that would haunt you forever, all there was within me was light, that I sometimes couldn’t see.

So I called upon a friend to do it for me, and each time she did it better than I could ever have imagined. I let go of my inhibitions little by little, of my fears, of my insecurities and I told her that I was sad when I was, that I needed to feel better when I did, that I was afraid to fall, that I was broken from falling, that I needed hope, that I needed love, and each time she opened her heart and she poured it out for me, all of it. It saved me.

It saves me every day.

This one is for you Sonia, because you are my guardian angel and you are my rock and my salvation.

This one is for you, yes you, who is reading this and thinking of who they can reach out to. Call a friend, a lover, family, a stranger, there is always someone who will be there.

Sonia often tells me that you are the only one who can change your life and I do believe her, but you need someone to do that telling, today, let me be her.

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