Holding my breath with this house of cards

I won’t lie to you, it hasn’t been an easy few weeks.

It has been a month of drowning in all the academic feelings of incompetency, confusion, fear, stress and the occasional moment I rise to the surface to breathe in a little bit of ‘this-is-where-I-belong’, that one class where things make sense, that one assignment you want to do, that one day when the electricity in the lab forgot you exist, and the feeling is really mutual, that one story you cover that feels close to your heart, that one byline you stare at and think that you may make a difference to someone, somewhere in your city.

There are days you realize that it’s all just a house of cards, one deadline too late, and it all comes toppling over you.

I don’t think I am succeeding very well at what I am doing (or trying to), let’s be honest, I’m not.

I am treading through each day dragging behind me an ever accumulating to-do list, and as they rattle behind me like rusted tins clinking against each other because they can, they remind me that even in the most silent, secluded, personal moment where it is just me and that vast pulchritude above, I am not alone, and I am amidst company uninvited.

I’m nowhere near being on track, on any track, let alone the right one. I’m that rag picker a million miles away scavenging through mounts of nothing good, the one you occasionally shift your camera onto because, what’s their story?

I refuse to let my life become things that I just have to do, I want my heart, and all of it, with me, and sometimes it is hard when she just isn’t there.

So where is she?

She is such a little bugger, flying all over the place, she is with S trying to find a new life in a new city, she is with R, wondering who he will be when he returns home, she is with O, wishing she makes it through her surgery just fine, she is with N, wanting to support all the little things he does to make this world a better place for you and me, she is with N, wanting to pull off something bigger than either of us, she is with J, and with S, pulsing to tell the world about the amazing people it is filled with, she is with M and D on yet another one of their continental explorations. She is the most annoying thing I am having to deal with presently, and I don’t want to.

I don’t want to deal with her.


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