There are two types of pain we feel in this life.
The first one is the pain that catches us unawares.
This pain could bolt into our lives when anything happens that we never could have imagined would happen to us. When we lose a loved one unexpectedly, when our partner who we could never imagine a day apart from drops the I-want-out(-of-the-blue) bomb, when we’ve suddenly been informed that we need to pack our bags and leave a country we’ve always called home. You can feel every nerve cell in your body break out in panic, confusion and wail in unison. Wail for the inability of the present to accept that the beautiful past will not be continued into a future. Wail for uncertainty of how to accept this, wail because we know that when we do, if we ever can bring ourselves to, our lives will never be the same again.
Then there is a pain that arrives strutting down a carpet that has been long laid for her.
Sometimes, we just know that a certain pain awaits us. We may not know exactly when we will run into her, but we’ve long since taken the immunization so that it doesn’t kill us.
For me, this pain was being cheated on, it was voluntarily leaving a place behind and along with it some of my dearest friends, it was when I had to watch an on-and-off friend leave my life for the umpteenth time.
I didn’t know when or exactly how any of this would happen, but if I were to be completely honest with myself I knew that they would.
It still hurt, but the pain, although brand new, seemed familiar. I knew, even while I wept, that the pain wouldn’t destroy me. I knew, even when I could feel my insides break, that I would be whole again even if some part would remain on the floor when I fixed myself up. I knew, even when I felt the ever encroaching canopy of darkness descend upon me, that there would be light again.
It’s an odd thing, being prepared for a certain kind of pain. You make room for it and when it arrives, it knows the exact spot it must fall into. There is no confusion, there isn’t much chaos, it just knows where it has to settle, for how long it has to stay and when it has to bid adieu.
It is a pain that shakes your ground and breaks it, that thwarts your insides across a rough merry go round, that roughs up your tender heart by throwing her a couple quick punches, it is a pain that turns your insides out, but it will not change you.
Sometimes, pain is not meant to change you, simply to show you how much you can endure.