Rediscovering My Significance

night-clouds-summer-trees-largeIt is said that we often give others the advice that we ourselves need to hear the most.

I have probably spent the last entire year of my life telling complete strangers from different parts of the world “You are worthy. You are significant. You make a difference in this world just as you are. You are impacting lives every day in ways that you know so little about.”

It’s funny how a few days ago when my best friend told me the exact same words, I was completely taken aback.

Could she be for real? I thought to myself. Did I really not have to make a million extra efforts to ensure that I was being significant, as small a significance as that may be in this vast universe?

And then I realised that of course she was for real. In fact, it was probably the most real thing any one had told me all year.

If you’ve read some of my previous blogs, you probably know that I’ve been taking the month of March to myself to understand the confusing things I keep feeling, ward off the negativity that came as an unpleasant surprise in my new life and mostly just getting to know a bit more of the person that I am becoming.

And where there are so many new doors to open not fully knowing what to expect within, all you can do is let go of all you’ve ever defined yourself by and promise to love yourself no matter what you find within.

And I found a lot of things I never expected.

I found that I was suffocated by the urge to always do right by others.

I found that more than doing right by them, I was doing wrong by myself. Where was all that self-love I always spoke about?

I found that I had to end the never ending number of questions I asked myself about whether my decisions were based on my kindness or my weakness.

I found that my decisions were simply based on my love, and that entailed a little bit of both.

I found that I didn’t want to do so many of the things that I was doing, and the only reason I would do them was so that I remained a good person. What ever became of all the “we are all but beautifully human” I always preached?

I found, and this was my most favourite find of all, that I actually did not completely let go of a huge chunk of who I was until a few years ago. I wasn’t now devoid of my pride and my ego, of my stubbornness and my tenacity, of my ability to say NO and to refuse to be taken for a ride. And I found that I was glad I didn’t.

Because let’s just take a moment and be honest, we all need a little bit of the above mentioned traits to function. And if I took this very same moment and were totally honest, I’d have to admit that I often missed being able to be that way because being good to people is wonderful but being good to yourself is what’s most important.

Amidst all the questioning, exploring and soul searching I finally found my release from the cage I felt trapped within when my friend said to me, “I hope that because of this break you are not feeling inadequate or that you aren’t doing anything cause you cannot take that away from you. This is who you are and just because you aren’t doing anything consciously or under some banner it doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing anything, cause you never cease to be you right? And you never cease to be amazing.”

And that right there was the answer to every single worry that was hounding away at me for months. That right there was all the answers I would ever need.

I realised that even in a lifetime where you thought you made more mistakes than taking right decisions, all you needed was that one right decision.

Shweta, you were mine.

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