A Letter To Her

dawn-sunset-person-sunrise-large (1)Let’s not do this.

Let’s not do any of this, okay?

Let us just not pretend.

You are in love, but it’s going nowhere. It’s a one way street honey. I am sorry you didn’t see it coming. Oh wait. You did but you still chose to keep driving down anyway, right?

Yeah, well, too bad.

And it came down to this, as you knew it would, as it did before. So you can sit down and talk about things you no longer even know how to feel. Sorrow, regret, pain. You can force yourself to cry your eyes out on a cab ride you take just to move. The driver must think you’re nuts, you are. Or you can tell him. You can put yourself out of the misery. Break the cycle. Do what scares you the most. You always said you were brave, right? What? Too chicken now, are we?

But of course you won’t. I wish I didn’t know you so darn well. When was the last time you even surprised me? You bore me now. Your stifled cries of help that no one understands. Your sullen retreats into your cocoon, as though you are going to come out a butterfly from the other end! Your weak heart that doesn’t know whether walking out or holding on is the better choice. Who cares? You will regret both, either way. There will be a day when you say to yourself “I am so glad I made this decision.” And then there will be twenty others when you call yourself a damned fool for doing what you did.

You say that you have no regrets, how pretty. How satisfying. But they don’t know. No one else really knows, do they? You have as many regrets as the next person. You only say that you have no regrets because you know that whichever choice you would have made, you would have had regrets.

You were happy for about five minutes. Alright, I’ll give you some credit, you did it for a lot longer this time. And it seemed pretty genuine. But if you thought that that would put everything into place somehow, oh my, my! How deluded were we, my dear, sweet love?

Nothing fell into place. You went on pretending like it didn’t matter. Still happy, always happy. Right. You were happy, you saw what you wanted to see, you believed in half the picture and chose to hold that close to your heart. Except now your eyes are open. And you can’t un-see the entire damn thing no matter how hard you try.

They don’t care, baby girl. They never did. They never will. You can plough your presence in their lives and remind them that you exist as you are, loving them, thinking of them. And you can convince yourself that they take that all the way. But they just take it to bed that night, and the next morning it is lost in their vapid dreams, your essence. How long did you think you could go on pretending that it mattered, that you did to them?

They’re not like you. I know you battle accepting that, but people are just not like how you think they are. They don’t see you how you think they do. You have never been able to burst that little bubble of yours and step outside, lest the biting, frigid arrow of truth pierce your heart and turn it stone cold. Then what would you be but a Demi Lovato song? What would you feel? What would you think? Nothing.

They are stealing your essence, you say? Let me tell you something. They ARE your essence.

You want to escape all of this don’t you? And you don’t know how?

Do you remember telling me about that morning when you saw a green parrot from your balcony and you knew that whatever happened that day would be enchanted? You were right. Do you remember returning home last June to an email that could only have made an already beautiful day absolutely perfect? Do you remember how you brought the year in? You told me that you swore to yourself that you would never forget that you are all you ever needed. You would become all you would ever want.

So what now? You are afraid? Good.

You are anxious? Great.

You are confused? Wonderful. Wretched? Phenomenal.

You are lost? Perfect.

Now that we’ve come to terms with all the bullshit, let us find you now.

 

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