What if I jinx this?
What if it doesn’t last?
What if it’s not even going to pan out into the castles I’ve built in my head?
I can’t be the only one whose paranoia drills into the enclave in my mind nested away as happiness.
I’m two months shy of turning 24. The other day I asked someone a question that pretty much no one asks beyond the age of seven.
“Could I call you my best friend?”
Five months isn’t really long enough to know a person in my humble but totally valid opinion, least of all a person who doesn’t even live in the same country as I do.
But, I thought to myself, it wasn’t as though knowing people for six years in the very same city gave me a lot of better friends. So, as someone recently asked me, what did I have to lose?
This was the beginning of a series of emancipating decisions that I decided to make over the past two weeks. When you feel broken and shackled and as though you can’t move an inch without tripping on your own heartbreak, well, you just gotta do what you gotta do.
I always thought that I could choose the best people for myself. I have always been highly selective of who I let in and give important crowns to in my life. Because I don’t know how to love anything but unconditional, and you can’t exactly bestow the wrong people with unconditional love, they take too much away from you.
So a few months ago when I realized that maybe, just maybe, there were people who could take my unconditional love and use it to give me unconditional pain, I decided that things needed to change.
You don’t usually wake up one morning and stop loving someone. But what you can do, is to tell yourself where each person in your life belongs. And as my friend recently pointed out so wisely, once you have carefully placed people into their slots you will realize that there are gonna be some strays who don’t really fit any role in your life.
These people spell trouble. Because your love for them wants to hold on to them so badly that they just spill into every other relation in your life, including the most important one, the one you have with yourself.
I picked these people out and put them aside. Yes, they would certainly have a place in my heart, maybe forever. But that didn’t necessarily give them a place in my life and THAT was something that I had control over.
The thing about life is, despite what your fancy pinterest quotes tell you, you don’t have control over every single thing. But even amidst the general whirlwind of your life, there will always be something you can take charge of. I learnt that it is important to identify these things and act on it.
I also learnt that faith wasn’t always gonna come easy. Not when you have been disappointed and defeated so many times. There were gonna be days, if not weeks or months, that you will not wanna take the plunge. You will not wanna let people in. You will not wanna give someone new a chance because someone old screwed it up. And that is okay.
That’s the way life is designed to be. Sometimes I think it is just a series of heartbreaks and heartaches woven together with silly tales of hope. And sometimes I think that life is moments of hope consummated by endless heartbreaks making love to each other.
But I took a chance anyway, and I found that I could be terribly, painfully happy because I did. I found that I always deserved to be, we all deserve to be, but it doesn’t take a lot to convince us otherwise. It is so easy to forget that you DESERVE happiness, I do it all the time. You do it all the time.
It is only when it catches you unawares one day that you sit down, look at your strangely white walls crowded with completely conflicting warm furniture and realize that you are happy, and you were created to be happy. And sometimes, you actually get what you deserve.
..And the thing is, I’m not scared anymore, you know what I mean?