I think pain is a beautiful thing.
No, not because I get a weird kick out of the feeling of my heart contracting to a point that it feels like it isn’t beating anymore. I don’t like that. I really, honest to God don’t. I’d pass up on that feeling just as easily as I’d nix a salad on most days.
But it is kinda like the salad I’d order on an odd day though.
You feel it flushing out all the dirt from your system, that good cry, that feeling of ridicule when you begin questioning how you let yourself believe in happiness for five minutes, that sense that nothing will ever make you smile again (because CAMON, we cherish and pride ourselves in our sense of dramatiques), that solemn oath you almost make to never even try to believe in hope again because Oh the WAYS in which it has reverently let you down so far!
And then, once it passes through you, it leaves. And it leaves you a little better.
It leaves you a little kinder, a little gentler, a little more open to gratitude.
Someone told me just yesterday that we are beings who run on hope, on expectations we rely on that almost never pan out. I disagree.
I think we are beings who run on gratitude.
We think that our journey to happiness or through happiness is fueled by hope, by the belief that things may work out exactly as we dreamt they would. We think that the more hope we have, the better the journey.
But I realized that our journeys have never been fuelled by hope. Hope is the wind we can never control. Sometimes it rages against our vessel, sometimes it adheres to our wishes and sometimes it just stands still.
Our fuel is gratitude. The joy for everything we have is the only thing that will ever push us to brave the frightening ocean of things we never may. That moment when you realize that you don’t need to, and that it will all still be okay because you are blessed abundantly anyway, you make room for peace along the journey.
And maybe, the winds will aid you along your journey. And maybe, it will even take you to some of the things you’ve always wanted. It’ll even take you through some of the things you’ve wanted. But coming out of the other end, you’ll be okay. Nah, you’ll be better than okay because my babydoll, you in fact do not run on hope and even if you have none left, you can still keep going.
So be happy when you are, don’t be afraid. And when it comes crashing down on you like your system rejecting that French bean which no kind of dressing can make better, remember it’s just making room for the gratitude you couldn’t feel before. When it feels like your heart just cracked along with all the castles you built in it, Rumi said that light can only enter through cracks (He did, right? You can’t entirely trust Pinterest, y’know).
So don’t be surprised when you want to suddenly compliment your annoying friend for looking beautiful or send an extra-long text message to someone you’ve been ignoring because you still do love them. That’s your fuel kicking in, full power.