To The Men Who’ve Left

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Thank you.

Thank you for showing me that I could be seen, that I was something more than a walking ghost filled with other people’s stories but my own dreams. Thank you for telling me you loved me when neither of us knew what that even meant. If it weren’t for you, I’d never know that I existed, that I could be wanted, that I could be someone.

Thank you for shifting schools and staying back in the country for me. Thank you for never giving up on me, even when it hurt your fragile heart oh so much. Thank you for letting me go when I asked you to. Thank you for never coming after me. And it’s been nine years since all of that, but thank you for still leaving behind that tiny corner in your heart for me. Thank you for your kindness, for your patience, for your faith.

But most of all, thank you for the 12th of October, 2007. Thank you for breaking my heart into a million pieces, my heart which wasn’t even yours to break. Thank you, because had I not been broken beyond repair, I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life trying to stop others from being broken beyond repair.

Thank you.

Thank you for showing me what it was like to fall in love. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t ever know what love could have been like, the passion and the madness, the beauty and the insanity.

Thank you for being my only saving grace in a treacherous, confusing cave called high school. Thank you for giving a broken girl a reason to face another day. Thank you for the 27th of October and for that day in May. That was the day I realized how beautiful love could make someone look, even when they don’t see it.

Thank you for never returning my love the same way, even for a day. Thank you SO much. Thank you for ripping my heart apart for years on end, because had it not been for the venom you injected into me, I would never have sought an avenue to extort it from my being, I would never have found the greatest friendships and the most exhilarating laughter that I did.

But most of all, thank you for never letting me know that I was secure in your love, because I wasn’t, and I shouldn’t have been, even for a day. Thank you for not holding my hand that was an inch away from yours on the cab ride that day lest you gave me something to hold on to. Thank you for leaving me with nothing to hold on to. Thank you for leaving me when I was free falling and for not looking twice when I crashed. Thank you, if it weren’t for the disturbed you made sure I knew I was, I would never have gone looking for the peace I did, and I would never have found it.

Thank you.

Thank you for being a friend when all my friends acted anything but. Thank you for sweeping in and being everything he wasn’t exactly when I needed it. Thank you for showing me that in fact, I did not have a type, none besides kindness.

Thank you for taking the wrath that I wasn’t brave enough to dump on someone who deserved it. Thank you for standing by it, confused as you were and letting me break you. Thank you for bringing me face to face with my ugly human.

Most of all, thank you for helping me see that enduring great pain does not entitle you to give greater pain. Thank you for not chasing me when I walked out of your car that February evening. Thank you for never looking back at me, for allowing me to never look back at you. If it weren’t for you, I would never know how important it is to forgive yourself every now and again. I would never know that my human was what made me real and relatable, it was my strength, and not my weakness.

Thank you.

Thank you for making me chase my dreams. Thank you for teaching me how important it was to dream. Thank you for putting me on the path to my dreams, to myself and for cheering me on every God damned step of the way.

Thank you for making me live in the now. Thank you for helping me embrace my fearless. Thank you for teaching me how to place my bets against all odds.

Most of all, thank you for cheating on me. Thank you for showing me how crass being a human can be. Thank you for your cowardice and your honesty. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t realize that I had learnt, and that I had grown, and that I could be different and do things differently. I wouldn’t have known the kindness of my own heart, how easily I could forgive. I wouldn’t have known that my kindness was stronger than my deepest pain. I wouldn’t have known my capacity to accept being human.

And thank you.

Thank you saving your entrance until I was ready to meet you.

Thank you for being exactly who you are and allowing me to be exactly who I am.
Most of all, thank you for showing me that I know exactly who I am and what I deserve, and being the first space where I ever felt emboldened enough to ask for it. Thank you for giving me what I asked for, and so much more.

And maybe this isn’t the final act, who knows, but thank you. Thank you for loving me like no one ever has, or maybe ever could.

To the men who’ve left.. and the one who didn’t.

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. riselikeair says:

    You’ve left me speechless and completely in awe. So beautifully put by one of the kindest and most eloquent souls I know. So honoured to be able to read your work.

    1. soumyaj says:

      Thank you, Jewel! Always so, so generous with your praise!

  2. shweta says:

    Wow! Those men dont deserve your words!

    1. soumyaj says:

      You are too kind! 🙂

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