It happens to the best of us.
You wake up one day and realize that nothing you are doing seems in accord to how you feel, and nothing you feel fits in with the image you have drawn up in your mind of who you are.
There must be something wrong with me.
There is something wrong with you. You aren’t being true to how you are feeling. You aren’t allowing yourself to become who you are becoming. You’re fighting your metamorphosis and that kinda’ change is painful on its own without the added pressure of you holding yourself back with all your might.
I don’t want the negative experiences and encounters to change my faith.
Someone once said that you are the sum of all your experiences. You cannot subtract an experience from your life and continue being who you were. As painful as that may sound, your experiences will shape you, they will mold you. Even the bad ones, especially the bad ones. So don’t resist the change. Try and understand it.
Faith isn’t something that’s gonna turn up at your doorstep cause you’ve called all her friends (read: all YOUR friends).
The biggest lie you have told yourself is that faith is something you can hold on to with just your will.
It’s untrue. And if you cannot, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t fighting hard enough, sometimes it means that you just need to stop wounding yourself in the battle.
They are saying that it’s making me bitter.
Maybe it is. Let it. I always used to preach let your hardships make you better, not bitter. But then I had to revise my sermon. There are some parts of you that will turn bitter along your sojourn. Maybe it’ll soften further along the way, or maybe it won’t. What you need to do is embrace it. Stop drawing your sword every time you see it, that defeats the purpose in itself.
You need to let all the parts of you that are changing change. Let the reds turn scarlet and let the olives turn juniper.
That is going to involve saying NO to a lot of people you love and YES to a lot of things you told yourself that you are never supposed to feel. As you stand before yourself, undone after moulting, you will notice something emerging from the wilted.
It won’t be love at first sight, but you’ll learn to love it anyway. You will learn to love yourself again but you can only do that if you are sure that who you are loving is who you truly are.
This isn’t the best version of me, they say.
No, it isn’t. But neither is the version of you they loved. That will not be your best version anymore because that isn’t who you are. Your light will shine different and your kindness will feel different. Accept that.
Don’t let them tell you more than they should, and what they should ends at “Go be. I’ll wait till you can become.”
Don’t let them persecute your human because it didn’t fit within the boundaries of what’s human for them. Your human is wild and messy, it crosses their lines and defines its own boundaries.
A friend once told me that people can only meet you at how far along they have come in their journey. Some of them will say that they are with you and some will say that they are ahead of you, but that’s all a lie. The ones who are really with you will walk along in silence and the ones ahead of you will shine a light for a path to follow. So don’t listen to the ones who talk. Listen to the ones who ask.
What if I fall into darkness yet again?
I believe with all my heart that the darkest pit in this universe is fear. You cannot be afraid. You must not be afraid. Say it out to yourself. You WILL not be afraid.
It is said that we human beings are only the medium, art, music and poetry finds its way out into the universe through us.
If you want your life to be a masterpiece, stop spreading yourself too thin, stop encumbering the melody with the screeching and wailing of your fears, stop adulterating the words with your inhibitions.
Be, without the fear of becoming, and when you learn to be, you will see the exquisite truth that you have become.