At exactly five minutes past midnight on the first day of this year, I layed down on a heap of cold sand and looked into the vast night sky. There were a few stars, not as many as I had been used to seeing of late back then, but it would do.
I looked at them blinking, shining, spinning, and it didn’t really matter that I was in an unknown country, on foreign sands, with nearly a dozen people who I barely knew. I realized that I still felt at home, cause my home was with me, wherever I would go.
I couldn’t imagine why I’d spent all my life crumbling under the weight of people, when lying there with the whole night sky on top of me felt weightless.
I decided that I would spend the next year being enough for myself, being there for myself no matter who was not able to show up, loving myself harder than I had ever done before.
With hindsight, I can say that 2016 probably looked at me at that moment and smirked. Cause I had no idea how much I would need that in the year to come.
It’s been a confusing, transforming, painful, and beautiful year. I didn’t think it would be this hard, but what did I know?
Of the so many experiences that shook me and made its way into me, some still swiveling around not sure how to find it’s place in retrospect, the one I cherish the most is that promise I made to myself on the first day of the year.
You are enough, S, heck, you are too much! (ala Mr. Big from SATC of course!).
I’ve let go of some people this year, made some new friends, been deeply hurt by some of my constants, questioned the point of any love that I give away, had to leave the home I grew up in, I’ve found gratitude and consistency in a job that I really like, I’ve watched the dreams of people I love come true, I watched my own dreams come true in unimaginable ways, I’ve moved on and I have again found powerful love, hosted a global flashmob in my city, fallen head over heels for a few canines, travelled a little, learnt the importance of the oxford comma, actually managed to nail a good number of physical books, met the dark side of my human more often than I would like to admit, moved in to an apartment of my own that remains to be decorated, sat under more night skies and sunsets than I can count, and I have watched the sun climb up into the sky and light it up with unending love every single day.
But what has constantly kept pulling me back up through the lows were the seeds of love and kindness I had planted through the years. I watched how so many of them bloomed into the shade and the refuge I needed this year, at times I least expected, from people I least expected.
Life always comes full circle, so here I am again, on yet another New Year’s Eve, under yet another incredible night sky filled with not too many but just enough stars, knowing that I’ve kept my promise and ready to set lanterns into the sky with wishes for the coming year.
Happy New Year’s 2017! I wish us all the best of the year to come.